I tend to believe that people have better thoughts than they articulate. We feel things better than we say them.
Maybe I believe this because it’s how I often feel. It’s frustrating to have a strong notion but fail to string it together.
Yes, I write and study a lot, but I fell into the whole thing backwards. I didn’t start studying English until I was twenty six. Before then, it was a constant annoyance with bad writing and speech causing my personal pan philosophies to rise.
So let me go ahead and give you my least favorite words. Avoid these crutch statements, and you’ll articulate thoughts much better:
It’s not about this. It’s about that.
We could call it the DiGiorno framing.
Last week was a treatise on verbs, the most important part of a sentence. It’s the only place to start because verbs are key to communication. But we won’t be so technical today.
Instead, I’ll unleash my true self—a giant ass hater—and vent about this awful phrase.
Going Back
We’ve all been to a wedding with the awkward dinner toast. People get uncomfortable holding a mic for the first time, and they make us uncomfortable as revenge.
Before studying English, I worked at a church. It was my unofficial responsibility to not let any new speaker embarrass themself. We wanted to save them (and everyone else) from the awkward wedding toast.
My feedback had a light touch, with the exception of one banned phrase: It’s not about this. It’s about that.
“If you start your point that way,” I’d say, “I’m not listening. Whatever comes next is wrong.”
Was I exaggerating? Yes.
But I stand by it. Because it almost certainly is about this, too.
You say, “It’s not about talking. It’s about listening.” I’ve lived long enough to know how this works.
Next week, you’ll say, “It’s not about listening. There’s a time for talking.”
As sure as the crust will burn, you’ll go back on your word.
Irrelevant Contrast
One problem with the DiGiorno framing is that it places two relevant subjects in irrelevant contrast.
I’m not sure why we do this. It wouldn’t have to be this way.
You never hear, “It’s not about the color of your shoes. It’s about diet and exercise.”
That would make sense, presuming we’re talking about some sort of healthy lifestyle. Shoe color seems irrelevant. Valid.
But no one says that. They say, “It’s not about diet. It’s about exercise.”
Actually, those are both relevant. Maybe you’re trying to distinguish between the concepts. Maybe you’re trying to privilege one over the other.
Most often, I think we mean, “I’m not talking about this. I’m talking about that.”
If that’s the case, just say it.
“I’m not talking about this. I’m talking about that.”
Negative Attachment
When given two subjects in opposition, our minds focus on the negative. I don’t mean to nuance this to death. There’s a genuine communication breakdown.
You think you’re saying, “Here’s the importance of this.”
Our minds don’t move past, “Something is wrong with that.”
THEM: You said, “It’s not about homework. It’s about positive teacher relationships.” What does that mean?
YOU: It means it’s not all about homework. Students need to know what that their teachers care about them and their success. If they do, they’re much more likely to learn.
THEM: So I’m not supposed to assign homework?
YOU: No! Keep assigning homework.
THEM: Does the homework get in the way of student relationships, though? Because that sounds like a problem.
YOU: No. Forget I said that. Really, I’m talking about how I try to operate in the classroom. But outside of class time, I still assign homework.
Do you feel how frustrating that is? The point is derailed because of this stupid framing. The focus becomes the thing you weren’t saying.
Be selfish. If you’re communicating, your audience should hear what you mean. I’m not nitpicking. I’m trying save you a headache.
It Means Nothing
Literally—“it” means nothing.
I’ll spare you the grammar lesson on nonreferential pronouns. But in this usage, the word “it” is not fixed to any concrete thing.
You might mean to say:
[What I’m saying today] isn’t about work. It’s about play.
[This video] isn’t about work. It’s about play.
[This sentence] isn’t about work. It’s about play.
But it doesn’t matter. People will fill in those brackets a hundred different ways.
[Life] isn’t about work. It’s about play.
[My job description] isn’t about work. It’s about play.
[Our focus this quarter] isn’t about work. It’s about play.
You see the confusion.
If you said out loud what you assume is clear, you’d realize how silly it sounds. “This sentence is not about ______.”
Huh? Cut it out. Skip to the part that you mean.
Let Them Cook
The DiGiorno framing is a crutch.1 Throw it out. Order some Deep Dish, or Detroit Style, or whatever your regional preference.
And, for what it’s worth, I don’t mean to just pick on others. For about three years, I determined not to define a single thing by what it’s not. Overkill, yes. Might be interesting to share. But know that if I judge you, I judged me first.
It’s not criticism. It’s care.
Ironically, “it’s not delivery, it’s digiorno” is a pretty good slogan and avoids the pitfalls of “it’s not about this, it’s about that.” But it’s memorable in labeling the framework.
Well now I really want pizza.
Also. I feel like as humans we don't feel more accurately than we speak, but we do feel FIRST. The brain center for thinking is built on top of the one for emotions. This means that the slower you all yourself to get, the more time you give for processing, the more you can discern your feelings.
So, as someone who does not practice this well, the old idiom holds true: "think before you speak."